Local Father Heroically Abandons Adult Child for Crime of Self-Knowledge

A Satirical News Article As A Response to “I Have to Leave You Here” by a brave anonymous parent

SPRINGFIELD—In what experts are calling an unprecedented display of parental martyrdom, a brave local anonymous father who we will call Richard Simmons, or just Dick, 52, has bravely abandoned his adult transgender daughter at an airport, heroically ensuring she would face her new life in a different city completely unsupported.

"It was the hardest thing I've ever done," said Dick, who has apparently never experienced actual hardship. "Watching my perfectly healthy, independent 21-year-old adult child board a plane to pursue her own life choices was devastating. I had no choice but to dramatically reframe this normal life transition as a tragic goodbye and then immediately blog about it."

Dick, who works as an insurance adjuster and moonlights as an amateur gender expert despite having zero qualifications, explained that his daughter's decision to live authentically was clearly the result of a vast conspiracy.

"Someone, somewhere, somehow convinced her," Dick said vaguely, providing no evidence. "It certainly couldn't be that she knows herself better than I do. That would be ridiculous."

The father has bravely joined a support group for parents who believe their children's identities are elaborate hoaxes perpetrated by the medical establishment, Big Trans, and possibly the Illuminati.

"We meet weekly to reinforce each other's decision to prioritize our discomfort over our children's well-being," Dick explained. "Last week, we practiced dramatically sighing while gazing at old photographs. Next week, we're learning how to use biblical verses completely out of context."

Experts note that Dick's approach represents the gold standard in how to ensure your child never calls you again.

"What's particularly impressive is how he's managed to frame his complete failure as a supportive parent as some kind of noble sacrifice," noted Dr. Eleanor Rigby, professor of Actually Listening To Your Kids at State University. "The mental gymnastics required to believe you're showing love by rejecting someone would qualify him for the Olympics."

At press time, Dick was reportedly planting vegetables and nurturing orchids, activities he believes somehow validate his decision to emotionally abandon his child.

"I touch grass," Dick said, as if this common human activity were evidence of moral superiority. "Therefore, my daughter's lived experience is invalid."

The daughter, who is reportedly thriving in her new city with a supportive community of friends, was unavailable for comment as she was busy having an actual life.