Confessions of a Daughter Whose Mom Thinks I'm Her Son

I lie awake, grateful for the friends who see the real me

I didn't appreciate how important bonds with other trans kids were until I came out. I learned then that it really does take a village to survive parents who think they know you better than you know yourself. This was especially true for me, as I was living in a small town, far away from anyone who understood.

I grew up looking forward to just being myself. It's hard to admit this in today's climate of "concerned parents," but it was all I ever wanted. Although I also wanted to make my parents proud, I never really cared about being the son they imagined. The performance came while I was waiting to be seen. In the end, I've become an expert at code-switching, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

The Wrestling Years

My parent and their friends met when their kids were babies. They were crazy about projecting futures onto us. They said gender identity was the furthest thing from their minds. Gender identity was the only thing on my mind. I figured they would see the real me someday. They never worried about my actual feelings. I worried constantly.

In my early years, I was ready to tell them, or at least I thought I was. When I couldn't get the words out after two years of trying, I started to panic. My parent wondered if I was just going through a phase. I knew it wasn't a phase[1]. So, I took control and started dropping hints. They scheduled me for more sports, but a few days before hockey tryouts, I finally found the words.

We were not equally happy. But they dismissed it eight seconds later. I wasn't going to give up; I never give up on being myself. But after a while I started panicking - to the point that authenticity was all I thought about. I was ruminating about it. Everywhere I went, I saw kids who could just be.

Companions in Confusion

I heard about an online support group for trans teens and I joined it. There were 200 kids plus two moderators. The moderators were trans adults who had survived their own parents' denial. The ages ranged from 13 to 18. Just like me, every teen was exhausted from performing a gender that wasn't theirs. Just like mine, their parents were "just asking questions."

The moderators believed in peer support. They taught us coping strategies, self-advocacy, and how to survive until we could live authentically. We did learn to cope. So much so, 180 of the 200 kids reported feeling less suicidal - which tracks with research showing that family acceptance dramatically reduces suicide risk in trans youth [2]. It seemed miraculous, except it's just science.

Week by week, kid after kid announced small victories. A teacher using their real name. A friend who got it immediately. We were thrilled - but we couldn't help feeling our own pain when we went home to parents still calling us by the wrong names.

My Parent's Bewildering Math

My parent loves statistics - well, one statistic. They cite a "4000% increase" like it's proof of contagion rather than, oh I don't know, the natural result of increased awareness, acceptance, and actual diagnostic criteria [3]. By their logic, the increase in left-handedness after we stopped beating kids for using their left hand must have been a "sinister contagion."

They also love to mention that I was "rough and tough" - as if gender identity is determined by how much you wrestled in orchestra. Spoiler alert: butch trans women exist. Feminine trans men exist. Gender expression ≠ gender identity [4]. But sure, let's base major life decisions on middle school wrestling matches.

Here's what they don't mention: I was disruptive because I was drowning. I was "active" because movement was the only thing that numbed the wrongness. I didn't "know any girls" because I was terrified they'd see through my performance to the girl desperately trying to claw her way out.

The Support Group That Shall Not Be Named

My parent joined a group for "parents of trans-identifying boys." Fun fact: when your support group can't even acknowledge your child's stated gender in its name, that's what we in the business call a "red flag" [5].

They bond over denying their children's identities. They share strategies for dismissing their kids' feelings. They probably have potlucks where they practice deadnaming.

Meanwhile, they claim doctors have been "captured by ideology." You know what's actually ideological? Ignoring the consensus of every major medical and psychological organization [6] because Facebook told you transition is scary.

The Desistance Fantasy

My parent ends with their fervent belief that "all our kids will desist." They compare it to their infertility support group where everyone eventually got pregnant. Except - and I cannot stress this enough - I am not a fertility problem to be solved. I am a human being telling you who I am.

The actual desistance rate for adolescents who meet clinical criteria for gender dysphoria? Less than 2% [7]. But sure, keep believing we'll all magically become cisgender if you just deny us long enough. That's definitely not going to damage our relationship forever or anything.

Lying Awake

Now when I lie awake in the middle of the night, instead of thinking about the life I'm not living, I think about all those other kids lying awake, planning their futures without parents who refuse to see them. I think about my chosen family who use my real name. I think about the day I turn 18.

It doesn't give me the same solace as parental acceptance would - but it does help me to know that I'm not alone. And unlike my parent's support group, mine is based on helping kids thrive, not hoping they'll disappear.

This is a satirical response to “Confessions of a mom whose son wants to transition I lie awake, terrified about his future” Jul 18, 2025 from mercatornet.com via pittparents.com

[1] American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018). Ensuring comprehensive care and support for transgender and gender-diverse children and adolescents. Pediatrics, 142(4).

[2] Toomey, R. B., et al. (2018). Transgender adolescent suicide behavior. Pediatrics, 142(4).

[3] See [1] above - awareness and diagnostic criteria changes account for increased identification

[4] American Psychological Association. (2015). Guidelines for psychological practice with transgender and gender nonconforming people. American Psychologist, 70(9), 832-864.

[5] Turban, J. L., et al. (2022). Association of gender-affirming medical interventions with depression, suicidality, and self-harm among transgender youth. JAMA Network Open, 5(2).

[6] World Professional Association for Transgender Health, American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, American Academy of Pediatrics, et al. (2022). Standards of Care Version 8.

[7] Steensma, T. D., et al. (2013). Factors associated with desistance and persistence of childhood gender dysphoria. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(6), 582-590.